AHSS Gift of Years: Relationships (Lesson 13)

“Old Age is an island surrounded by death,” wrote the Ecuadorian essayist Juan Montalvo. At its core, life is not about things, it is about relationships. It is the hands we go on holding in our hearts at the end that define the kind of life we have led. Our relationships determine the quality of life as we have known it. They show us the face of God on Earth. They are what batter our hearts into the feelings of life.

When the relationships we forge as we go begin to disappear, our own life changes. We know then what it is to be abandoned, to be a little less impervious to feeling that we thought we were. Now it is not things we need, it is understanding we crave. It is understanding that draws us out of ourselves into the earthenware vessel of new life.

As we watch loved ones leave us, we come to another crossover moment in time. We wonder, what do we do now? Go on alone? Stop and withdraw into ourselves? Risk the chance of becoming a friend again? It is a life-changing question. It is a soul-changing answer. And, for fear we might miss the lesson of it, the pain of it is everywhere. The loss is clear: once our mates go, so, in a way, do we. When this occurs, we can be tempted to hide in a collection of graying photographs, to insulate ourselves from the risk of being vulnerable again, to allow emotional death to take us before physical death arrives.

People once laughed at old people who fell in love. Marriage was out of the question. The primary purpose of marriage had for so long been defined as child-rearing that the role of adult relationships, especially in later life, had been dismissed. As a result, unlike those in any other phase of life, older people are forced to deal with the challenge of two very different types of relationships. First, the haunting presence of relationships lost to death or distance and second, the effort it takes to make new friends, new companions in their own world, which is becoming ever more removed from the faster-moving world around them. The temptation to disengage is severe, yet our need for understanding and comfort and a sense of presence is greater than ever.

How is this shell of a life ever to be filled again? And if it is not filled, is there any real life yet to be had? Relationships are the sign of the presence of a loving God in life. There is no such thing at any stage of human development as life without relationships. The only uncertainty is whether we will decide to live inside ourselves, or trust that life can be made glorious again by new meetings, new moments, new spirits.

For this to happen, we need to reach out first. We need to make ourselves interesting again. We need to learn how to invite people into our lives. Then we need to make the effort to go out to places where people our own age gather, as well as to events where the generations mix and the fun comes from meeting new people and talking about different things.

Sister Joan says: “A burden of these years is that being alone, bad as it feels, is easier than doing what it takes to be with someone else. It would be so much easier now simply to close the sunshades of our soul and give up. So much easier simply to wait for death to claim what has already died in us – a love for life and a trust in its essential goodness. So, we cut ourselves out of our own lives and watch them wither away. A blessing of these years is that they offer us the chance to be excited by new personalities, new warmth, new activities, new people all over again. Does it demand that we fall in love? No. But it does demand that we love someone else enough to be just as interested in them as we are in ourselves. It demands that we se out to make tomorrow happy.”

1. Sister Joan states that relationships “… are a sign of the presence of a loving God in life.” Write a letter, email, or poem to someone who has been or who is this for you and share why. (The poem does not have to be original.) Share your thoughts on this or journal your choice.
2. Tell the story of an older person in your life who, having lost a spouse, loved one or dear friend, has been a role model for you in terms of how she or he comped with such a loss. Journal this story for reflection and discuss it with someone.